"head spinning"

when life begins to overwhelm you and you feel trapped, sometimes the walls close in and your lungs betray you. how do you fill your blood with oxygen? some days when i am angry with myself i wonder how it would feel to be someone else. would i still be upset over all the things that occupy my mind? searching for a lost sense of purpose in a world that is sure to make anyone feel insignificant is a hopeless cause, and the more times i try to remind myself that everyone is different, the more times i realize i truly have no effect on this world. my problems stem from stressors in my life but at the end of the day i am only one in 8 billion just like everyone else. sometimes things happen that are out of my control and it angers me, and i do not know how to process that. sometimes things happen that are within my control and yet i stay stagnant and change nothing, for again it does not matter. the things that upset me can sometimes be selfish but that is the truth for all; blind with rage until you take a step back to reflect. my anger can come from nowhere and disappear just as quickly. i fade into my surroundings and let my brain dive deep into what i’m thinking and how i’m feeling. i refuse to destroy my relationships because of amplified frustration, but where is the line? how will i know when it is appropriate to be angry? there are two sides to every story or so it seems and even in anger i must recognize the other side. but does fairness matter in anger and pain? does anger always result from pain? a constant contradiction makes its way into my internal argument; my own insecurities spin each occurrence on its head, making me doubt my own sense of self and beliefs. this disguises my true emotions, putting up a smokescreen that exists to confuse me, degrade me, and leaves me feeling nauseous. i find that my mind roams when it does not have the validation it needs, wandering until a satisfactory conclusion has been achieved. this is why i cannot let anger sit; it will eat away at my consciousness leaving only the pain and hurt to sting my mind and destroy my waning confidence. this can be my downfall sometimes; i do not give myself enough time to comprehend my emotions, which can cause an initial explosive reaction- even when i do not realize my aggression. learning to think before i speak is a virtue i have yet to master. beyond my reluctance to hold my tongue i allow everything to bother me to what feels like a molecular level, binding to my cells, making it impossible to ignore.